If we can get though this we can get through anything

I have been sitting here looking at my key board; wondering where to start. Do I start with today's rant? Or do I start by telling the LONG story of who I am? 

I think I shall choose the later. 

I am a 32 year old single mother, to the most girly little blonde haired monster. She is my world, and has mommy wrapped. I BEGGED & PRAYED God for a boy, cause I am a dirt and Tom boy kinda gal. I think the Lord likes to sit up there with a stick; poking and stirring the pot to get some amusement. I wouldn't trade her for all the boys in the world ever! She has taught me patience the last 7 years; for that alone I am thankful.

... I guess I can't really say that I am a single mommy any more. I met the love of my life. We actually knew each other from high school. I know... I know, however we were on completely different tiers of the popularity ladder. I was a total loser ( at least that was how I felt about myself back in the day; I always felt like an ugly duckling).

I haven't wallowed in that mud puddle in a very long time; and I shan't again.

He keeps me on my toes... that one. He says that I am boisterous and full of it. I do think that I have met my match. He is full of it... most of the time; and very much a free spirit. Now when you have two free spirits ( he much more than I ) We tend to do what most pisceans do.... We have our damn heads in the clouds, and we totally need an anchor to the real world. However we are young enough still, that dreaming too much ( is there such a thing... really? ) won't cause us irreparable harm. 

My old man and I have been married once and divorced once... I can hear the whispers ;) we live in a county of roughly 10,000 people. We are both idiots when it comes to relationships. We have both been divorced once before.

I am a wall... or was a wall... Nothing gets in... nothing get out. It was erected after my first failed marriage, and relationships held there after. So with that said the communication between my dear heart and I was NOT very good. 
Think of it as a bridge... in the Himalayas- made by old planks and even older rope.  Would you cross it?? Even on a dare? Hell-to-the-no you wouldn't; less your nuts.  It was utterly the down fall of our marriage. 

Where I had a wall... He had a brigade. Non stop, with both fists in air... Shit show. He would push issues until I blew my gasket. Not my proudest moment in my life. If GOD himself sat me down to watch the re-run; I would politely decline. 

We were really really really shity to one another. Like who needs enemy's if your friends are this shity. 

So I did what I do best.... I RAN... As fast as my Tony Lama buckaroo boots would carry me. Then I filed for divorce.. cause we sure as hell weren't working to help fix it. A point ( or a hundred ) to my Love for not wanting to give up on us. He was and still is I might add; head over heels in love with me. I took me longer to figure it out... Like six months  from when we filed for divorce; Judge had signed us to our fate; Got into another relationship with a gentle man that was 10 years older than me... had two kids, and was still messed up over his failed marriage.. which was finalized 6 years ago.....

I obviously wasn't running on all 4 if you catch  my drift. 

I had taken my new dude out to my local hangout for New Years ( dick move... I know ). Where we ran into a whole bunch of friends and acquaintances of mine and my former husbands. Well my former: Josh.. how rude of me for waiting to introduce him... my humblest apologizes!

He was trashed.... tanked.... inebriated. And alone... I thought. 

Here I was with new guy cutting up a rug;  rubbing training wheels ( salt and lime ) in Josh's very open wounds. 
He was going to take some girl home with him... or her him I don't really care to dwell on which. ( The hulk starting to rear its ugly head )
By happen stance... Josh caught me coming in the back door heading back to my table, and proceeded to tell me how I shouldn't dance the way I had been ( to which he was utterly correct; I dance like a stripper when I get snoggered ) whilst we were dancing with other friends on the dance floor. 
Josh left to go who knows where, and an acquaintance came up to me and asked if I was sure I didn't want Josh back - cause he sure missed me...  "Pshhhhh no way I'm happy now" is exactly what I said.


After that the night gets kinda blurry with all the beer and champagne ( which I might add; DO NOT go well together )

He hitched a ride.. and a couch from my one of my Aunts. I on the other hand- headed home with new dude. 

After that Josh and I talked some and had even went out for dinner as friends.. calm down I'm not a hussy... ;)
He told me about the girl that he had met New Years night and had planned on leaving with; though never came to be. 

I saw red... I felt like the Hulk.. In my head I have his quote SWIMMING through my head... "HULK SMASH" With abundant rage and red eyes-pissed. I did not know this girl; nor do I ever want to. I never thought of myself as a jealous person. However, it was full force punching me in the head. 

It was only after this that I realized how much in love with Josh I truly was.. With all my achy breaky heart. 
Now to let the new dude down.. I do not like the break up. I don't like crushing a poor mans heart; any more than the next ravenous man eater. To which I can attest-I am not. Chicken, Turkey and Pork are the only white meats in this girls diet. 

I did it though, I crushed that mans hopes and dreams. It needed doing though. I couldn't try and make things right with Josh and keep the dude on the burner.. that is just asinine.

So with that; Josh and I have been busting our proverbial rears to help our relationship grow. It has been a wonderful experience to find my best friend again, the love of my life.